Happy smash cupcakes in your besties face for her birthday/Thanksgiving

  
My friends are better than yours. I’m not going to lie, but my Thanksgiving was one to definitely remember. And it wasn’t because I turned 30 that day. Well that’s part of it. 

This year I decided to opt out of the family Thanksgiving meal in order to spend time with my friends. My parents (well mainly dad) weren’t happy about it. I wanted a me birthday and one without my birth family and one with my chosen one. 

My friend was talking to her husband one day and joked while I was around that they were going to throw cupcakes at me. And of course I absolutely loved the idea. So that’s what they did. I loved every minute of it. Believe it or not even the driveway hose down in the front yard in 40 degree weather. I can’t believe I have such great friends. I’m incredibly blessed. For someone who didn’t have quality friends growing up this was the best. The videos are hilarious. 

Everyone should have friends like mine

I have some of the very best friends a girl can ask for. I’ve been feeling insecure and my weight for the past few days and trying to find an outfit to wear to the concert didn’t help. I had my friends help and take pictures so I could decide. Picked an outfit. I love it. But when I look at the picture all I see is all my imperfections. I can’t help it. Even the praise on how good I look makes me feel worse. Even one of my friends tells me that I look so full of life. I haven’t seen him in almost 2 years and he’s seen me at some of my worst and I’ve seen him through his. But I can’t help but look at the picture and see a shell of a person trying so hard to just live for the very next minute. I’m not going to lie. I need to lose over 250lbs but my situation doesn’t help. I even told my mom that if I lived alone I probably wouldn’t be the weight I am now. But because I’m too kind hearted and that I feel I owe my parents something, I stay behind. I do things for them that they should be doing themselves. I’m hoping I can’t ultimately get where I need to be but in the meantime I’m gonna go to my concert (because they have threatened to hogtie me and take me to the concert), have fun with my friends, and try and enjoy life. 

Numb

That’s the best way I can describe how I went about feeling today. Woke up at 2am after falling asleep at 10:30 the night before because I cried my eyes out. So I woke up and went in the living room hoping I could just have some time to just be. Tv was going, mom was asleep in her chair, and all I wanted was just to sit up and literally veg out. I was out in 30 minutes. I eventually was woken up by my dog because she was hungry. I went about getting the morning routine down and when it was around 9am I finally decided I needed a mindless distraction. So I decided I’d watch Pitch Perfect. And I did. Then I decided I wanted to watch Pitch Perfect 2. And I did that too. By the end of the second movie my numbness was thawing a little. I decided to hop on Facebook and tell my very best friend that I’m alive and to not send a search party because I am alive and that I may not be social for awhile. Well another friend saw my post and pmed me asking if I was ok. I just told her that I really didn’t want to go into it because I was already feeling like a fucking idiot and that I didn’t need to hear it. The thing that I love about her is that she knows how to make me laugh. That and that she has been there from day one when we actually got to know each other. She doesn’t mind my crazy. I told her about my needing to disappear for awhile in movies that don’t have any romantic plot whatsoever. She made a suggestion of an old movie and I told her I was thinking about swiping my dads copy of John Wayne’s McClintock cause it was one of my favorites and one I could keep on repeat for the next year and never grow old of seeing. She said it was one of her favorites too. We continued talking for a little while longer until I just couldn’t talk anymore. And she understood completely. Another thing I love about her. I was trying to get a nap in but when dad left to go visit my grandma, mom asked me how I was. I told her truthfully I am numb. I also told her that all I really want to do is turn off my phone for awhile and just be but because I had people who I know would need me and if I were to go on radio silence they would be upset. Plus I would feel responsible if anything happened to them and I was being selfish because I had turned my phone off. I said that since I’m unmarried and don’t have kids that this shouldn’t be hard but because I felt responsible for the others I take care of it’ll have to stay on. But I did put it on silent. My brother and his friend came up to deliver a car and stayed while I cooked them dinner and I laughed at the appropriate times. I mean actually laughed. I need to remember to thank my brother for that sometime. 

My heart has been unthawing from where I frozen it last night. I just don’t want it to thaw all the way. I’ll just get hurt again. 

Totally a flipping idiot

It’s official. I’m a total idiot, too gullible, and just an all around flipping moron. 

I told my mom EVERYTHING about my boyfriend. I was honest. I told her that I drove 160 miles to see him multiple times even in my piece of shit car that could have broken down at anytime. I told her EVERYTHING. She asked a lot of questions. Some of which I couldn’t answer. She asked if her and my dad could meet him. I said I’d try to get him to finally meet them (after hiding him for 3 years I’m of course scared to). Then, she made me do a background check on him. Needless to say that that’s when I started feeling like the idiot I am. 

BIG FAT 0…nada…goose egg…nothing 

I’ve met this guy multiple times. Video chatted multiple times. Called multiple times. But he’s been hiding his crap from me. He knows so much about me. 

How can I have been so STUPID?!?!?! Now I’m gonna go hideout in my head for awhile. Keep completely in myself. Go lights on but no ones home. Go through the motions. All while I smile through the tears, which I’ve become a master at. I’m gonna harden my heart again and pray someone can breakthrough it eventually. I’m just…done. 

Well hello there low self esteem, meet social anxiety…oh you already know each other???

So I was thinking…in the shower, which is never good, that if by some small chance we got to meet the band I am now ACTUALLY seeing (tickets have been bought and are in my hands) I really don’t wanna meet the guys. Cause no matter what I’ll wear I’ll still look like my gross, disgusting, fat self. I’m totally gonna go into my full shy mode and probably hide behind my friends. Yep totally. Maybe their three skinny, pole thin selves will hide my wide load. Ugh. Well hello there self consciousness, you’re back. I know I have absolutely no chance of the guys actually wanting anything from me physically, but still I’d kinda would like for the one in crushing on to go “damn, she’s hot”. Never gonna happen but I’d actually kinda like to be noticed for something other than my size. I know I’m a big girl. I totally get that. I just don’t want to be. I’m even thinking I don’t want to even be seen cause I don’t want them to go back to the bus and saying “damn, did you see that fat bitch in the crowd”. I know I’m totally going into I’m not rationally thinking but still. 

Ugh!!!

Ugh. Just ugh.

So apparently after I bitched on here this afternoon about the concert, the venue manager who happens to be a friend of the friend I’m going with got back to her. The concert is a go on their part. So now that that’s in place, well kinda. The bassists wife’s due date is in the end of November and the concert is December 5th so it still maybe cancelled because of that. But anyway there was still the issue of my social anxiety. I decided to be honest with my friends, who also has bipolar disorder, that I was totally worried about the whole thing. I was honest about how loud groups and sounds effect me and she totally understood. Which is one of the reasons why I love her so much. Anyway we are supposed to meet up with the other person going with us to discuss what we want to do. I’m still scared that I’m going to be a total drag but now, at least, I somewhat have a game plan. And how my friend knows so many people in the music industry is still freaking me out. I mean come on. Ugh if you only knew what I know you would totally be in the same wtf area I’m in. 

Ugh, social anxiety sucks

So I’ve been waiting for 4 weeks for concert tickets to come out for a band I like. It’s been a whole they will be there then well we’re waiting for the radio station to announce it then if we don’t hear from the radio station tomorrow it’s not happening. Ugh. Well apparently the answer was given today when the band was having a Facebook Q&A. I asked what was up with the concert date. Plain up. I know that they couldn’t answer all the questions asked. I get it. But I was one of the first questions and no answer. I can get that they don’t want to piss people off by saying they aren’t going there, but I’m more pissed off that they didn’t answer than if they were going to say hey we couldn’t work it out this tour but we will try and be back soon. 

Anyway I was kinda having a panic attack anyway about the concert. So many people and it being so loud I was worried about how my bipolar disorder would handle it. I tend to have issues with it when I am in loud, large groups of people. Family weddings are hell to begin with, but with a big family it makes it worse when we get loud and throw alcohol on top of it…um ya no. I was also nervous about the leading up to getting to the venue and the after. Don’t get me wrong I’d love to see this band. I want to see this band. I just worry about the what ifs. So worrying about anxiety was worrying me. Worrying about worrying is sucky. Ugh. 

I would love to throw deuces up to damn anxiety but oh well. 

Head, meet brick wall…brick wall meet head…BANG!!!

Ever feel like you give and give and STILL it’s not enough?  Ever feel like you’re a joke to not only your family but also to your friends. Again today I was “joyful” and now it seems to have fallen to crap. Same people I was dealing with Saturday night. I love the main friend. It’s her family members that I truly think are my problem. I don’t know. Maybe I’m dumb. Stupider than a box of rocks. I’m just tired. I made a long as trip to the next biggest town down the road which is about 80 miles one way to take my friend to the doctor and now I’m kinda feeling like a damn fool. Been gone ALL day and really I just want to crawl into bed and cry. Maybe that “joy” really was mania. 

So many stupid emotions

So I have been making great progress with my new psychiatrist lately but I kinda feel like I took all those steps back. Last Monday I was having a craptastic day. Just everything was pissing me off. Then at 7pm came the bright spot I so desperately needed. My favorite band was coming to a town new by on a date I could actually go. I was so excited that I had what I call the “bouncies”. I was so excited. I was basically humming with excitement. Well all this week me and another friend who is a big fan plus also has bipolar disorder were checking to know when tickets came out so we could by some. Long story short it was a huge well maybe they’ll come, or nope not coming. Well since before we found out about the concert we were having fun with my friend’s daughter saying she was going to be the sacrifice that gets us back stage to see the band. By sacrifice we meant giving her to the drummer to please the drum and didgeridoo gods. Big joke. Well my friends husband came back from Afghanistan, he’s in the military, and their daughter went bitching and moaning about how we were being cruel to her. Ugh!!! Well last week in my session with my psychiatrist I was telling her how excited I was and that I was probably hypomanic at the time. She said no that what I was probably feeling joy and because I hadn’t felt joy much in my life that it was a foreign feeling for me. Which is true. But after tonight, I feel like a dumbass for getting my friend yelled at. Now I feel like I wanna crawl in a big fucking hole and sleep till New Year’s Day. Just fuck my 30th birthday and fuck the concert. Hell in even thought about taking a break from Facebook because I’m such a bitch. This concert was going to be another birthday gift to myself since I freaking hate my birthday and that I’m turning 30. I don’t know. I hate that she got fucking yelled at because of me. Hell I even feel like distancing myself from her so maybe she won’t have to deal with her husband’s yelling. Not because SHE did anything wrong but because I’m 12 years younger than her I’m the one being a bad influence. I don’t deserve joy. I don’t deserve happiness. I’m going older day by day because so much crap is baring down.  Ugh!!